The variety of things that human beings are willing to consume is astounding, writes Burt Prelutsky, who wonders if the first person to lick his lips at the sight of a turkey was considered certifiably crazy.
Hollywood is a very different place today than it was in the 30s and 40s, when so many big stars enlisted in the military. Now, writes Burt Prelutsky, "you have everyone from Tim Robbins to Billy Crystal slandering the president and insisting that America is a far greater threat to democracy than China or Iran."
It's not true that Burt Prelutsky goes through life constantly irked by the lunacy that surrounds us all. That would be a ridiculous exaggeration. After all, sometimes he's asleep.
Flabbergasted to learn that Chris Matthews recently received the Emery Reves Award for Lifetime Achievement in Journalism, PJM columnist Burt Prelutsky is calling for a moratorium on all awards.
Not all Jews were offended when Ann Coulter recently called them unperfected Christians. Instead of demanding the controversial columnist's head on a pike, PJM columnist Burt Prelutsky is reserving his anger for terrorists who behead innocent civilians.
Now that Al Gore has managed to snag a Nobel Prize, some critics are worried that his words will be taken much too seriously. That's something that PJ Media columnist Burt Prelutsky can't even do with the Peace Prize itself, especially when he considers all the "gallant souls" who have never won it.
Why in the world would Frenchman Michel Lotito eat 128 bicycles, 15 supermarket carts, six chandeliers, two beds and a pair of skis? PJM columnist Burt Prelutsky wishes the new edition of the Guinness Book of World Records came with commentary and explanation.
How in the world did one Los Angeles fireman receive a $1.5 million settlement for pain and suffering resulting from a practical joke? PJM columnist Burt Prelutsky calls it a perfect example of reverse racism. [Download Burt's reading of this story in MP3.]
PJM columnist Burt Prelutsky has been pondering why Dan Rather decided to file a lawsuit against CBS. Aside from the obvious desire to get his name and face back in the news, could it have something to do with --of all things-- the Phil Spector trial?
Why do some dogs leap into rivers to rescue strangers? PJM's Burt Prelutsky isn't willing to chalk it up to instinct alone.
Science now tells us that fat is a contagious disease -- the more time you spend with overweight friends and family, the more you are likely to expand as well. PJM columnist Burt Prelutsky considers the political ramifications.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the biggest political hypocrite of all? There's a lot of competition, we know, but PJM columnist Burt Prelutsky thinks he's found the answer. [Listen or download Burt's reading of this story in MP3]
A lot of column inches, digital and otherwise, are devoted to the interpersonal troubles of our elected officials and their wives (and husbands). And while Burt Prelutsky may dig the dirt as much as the next guy, the time for the "politics of personal destruction" was 1998. According to Burt, "We should all keep in mind that politics is not the clergy, and being president is not a sacred calling." [Download Burt's reading of this story in MP3.]
We have a number of things to be grateful for as Americans, but first on the list should be the millions of ill-informed or careless voters that choose to stay home every election cycle. As Burt Prelutsky notes, "Far too many people are voting, as it is." [Download Burt's reading of this column in MP3.]
The trouble with baseball, proclaims PJM columnist Burt Prelutsky, began the day the first major leaguer took the field wearing gold chains. Nowadays, the typical right fielder not only wears more jewelry than Elton John, but is even less likely to hit the cut-off man. And just as he was getting used to the baubles, along came the goatee.
Why don't modern-day politicians feel compelled to defend their reputations? Burt Prelutsky blames the temptations of pork barrel politics. After all, even he's not convinced he could resist "$10 million to vote for some unnecessary bridge being built in Alaska." [Download Burt's reading of this story in MP3.]
The solution to the anagram "Bulky Pert Rust" is which of the following: (A) The author of this column. (B) Joined a club in a futile attempt to make a girl happy. (C) Got dumped by said girl for passing the entrance test. (D) Couldn't get a date with any of the other members. (E) All of the above. [Download Bulky's reading of this column in MP3.]
Burt Prelutsky has had enough of waiting around for you to show up. When you're meeting a man that's always 10 minutes early, have the decency to feed a chicken bone to your dog before you leave the house, and be prepared to act appropriately hysterical at having kept him waiting.
When it comes to nudity and sex in America, all Burt Prelutsky is looking for is a little wiggle-room. It is, after all, important to remember to whom we give ammunition when we let our puritan side get the better of us.
The problem isn't that men won't ask for directions, contends Burt Prelutsky. It's that nobody knows how to give them. [MP3 of Burt reading this story]
Years ago, I interviewed a very weird Hollywood character named Criswell. Some of you may remember him from his many appearances on "The Tonight Show." However, in certain odd circles, he is best known for his performances in the movies of shlockmeister Ed Wood. No list of the world's worst movies would be complete without their collaborative efforts, "Night of the Ghouls," "Orgy of the Dead" and, of course, "Plan 9 from Outer Space." by Burt Prelutsky
Bugged by so many good American jobs being sent overseas? Burt Prelutsky knows who should be outsourced. (No, it's not your mother-in-law. But close...) by Burt Prelutsky
A not-so-modest proposal for making America a better place... in a twinkling. By Burt Prelutsky
In the ongoing and ever-contentious capital punishment debate, few have noticed that the State of California - in the footsteps of the U.S. Supreme Court - has carved out its own special exception for those with a low IQ. Burt Prelutsky has. by Burt Prelutsky