Ask Dr. Helen: Home For The Holidays From Hell
I recently did a show with PJM Political on XM (it will be on the XM Channel #130 POTUS 08 on Thanksgiving at 6:00 PM Eastern/3:00 PM Pacific) on surviving political discussions and family holidays. It seems that many of you out there in blog world are getting into heated discussions at the holidays while sitting around the dinner table and I imagine with the upcoming Presidential election, this year will be a doozy. So I figured this was a good time to discuss a holiday survival guide for those of you who may be about to spend some serious quality time with your extended family.
Naturally, I have written previous posts on the topic of holiday survival–back then, I naively thought I would hear some nice stories about how people got along for the holidays. Instead, here are some of the sad comments that I read about why people did not want to deal with family members:
My sister and brother-in-law are D.C. area residents and wear their politics on their sleeves. I quit arguing with them some 20 years ago when they stated that Reagan was responsible for the Yellowstone Park forest fires. I realized then I could not have a rational discussion with them.
The problem I have with this stuff is that my brother-in-law starts yelling. Who wants to converse with someone who’s attracting attention from all the other diners in a restaurant. I finally decided that he doesn’t really want a reasoned conversation. He just wants to shout down anyone who disagrees with him, so why bother?
My dad is as mean as a snake. All 8 of his kids bear the scars and deal with them in different ways. The last time I saw him was 5 years ago at the rehearsal dinner for my younger brother’s wedding. He was picking on my niece, and she not being used to that treatment slapped him in the face. I told my Dad to knock it the f–k off. He took exception and we started a fistfight in the restaurant. My dad was so bent out of shape that somebody stood up to him that he didn’t show up for the wedding, and I gladly stood in for him, next to my Mom, in all of the wedding pics.
I cherish Christmas with my family: A day with the estrogen poisoned females of my clan; children yelling and grubbing for the bounty that comes with the crass commercialism of the holiday; the ever present fear that my brother, four Christmases banished from the family for alcohol related lunacy, will crash his drunken, six foot, four inch body through the front door and spray the room with lead. Ah, Christmas! I strap an Officer’s Compact Colt .45 into a pancake holster on my hip in case the door comes off its hinges at the party, pack up my hastily purchased gifts, and I wade into this thing called Christmas. Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn’t go?
Through the years of Republican bashing followed by Kumbaya sing alongs (I kid you not), I have found the best strategy is to simply keep my mouth shut.
Now, most of the above comments are extreme but many of us feel awkward and/or upset over political discussions with family members over what should be a pleasant holiday meal or event. So the holidays are coming up and your family likes to discuss politics–what do you do if you are worried about fighting with Uncle Fester about the war in Iraq, with Aunt June over healthcare, and Cousin Jack over immigration instead of chowing down on turkey and cranberry sauce?
First, remember there is no need to discuss anything political. If you find the topic worse than a trip to the dentist to get your teeth pulled, just smile and say that at the holidays, you prefer to relax and talk about family and change the subject.
Second, you can’t generally change someone else’s mind, especially someone who is extreme (in either direction–left, right or otherwise) in their political views. Instead of focusing on changing one person’s view, think of ways that you can work to make your political goals known to a larger audience or in a way that will be more beneficial, by blogging, podcasting, or working on a political campaign.
Third, if you feel you must speak up, be prepared with a few facts, put them out in a polite manner and move on. If the topic gets heated, take a step back and say, “You are really passionate about this topic, why don’t we both step back and come back to it at a more appropriate time.”
Finally, if the political talk gets you too angry or frustrated, avoid it, especially if you have heart problems, high blood pressure or other problems that might be exacerbated if people really get on your nerves. Do some relaxation techniques or go outside and see what the kids are doing or what other family members are up to.
So, those are a few suggestions other than “use duct tape” which is what one of the commenters on the previously mentioned threads recommended.
Any one out there with other suggestions for how to deal with political discussions with family members over the holiday season? If so, let us know so we can all learn how to keep the conversation pleasant and the good times rolling along at this sometimes stressful time of year (or at least keep out of jail).
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If you have a question you would like answered, please leave it below or email me at askdrhelen@hotmail.com. Your questions may be edited for length and clarity. Please note that your first name only or no name at all will be used to identify your question-if you want me to use your name, tell me, otherwise you will be referred to by your first name or as “a reader” etc.
Helen Smith is a psychologist specializing in forensic issues in Knoxville, Tennessee and blogs at drhelen.blogspot.com. This advice column is for educational and entertainment purposes only and does not purport to replace therapy or psychological treatment.
This need not be a problem. Somehow, our family, which comes close to containing the extremes of the political spectrum, simply never discusses politics. We never “agreed” to not doing so–it just happened. We love each other, and don’t want to disrupt our rare opportunities to be together. There’s lots of other things to talk about.
My family has actually been pretty good about this. Mom and Dad make sure the conversation around the table sticks to “So, what’s been goin on with you?”, and the related tale-telling. We run the gamut of political views, but there’s an unspoken agreement the bonds of family are more important than political arguments. This doesn’t mean that political discussion is strictly avoided, simply that it never gets too involved, because no one in our family wants to be the a**hole who ruined Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter.
Hearing some stories, I know just how blessed I am to be surrounded by such good people, whatever their views.
I do think it helps to remember that some of the people who are the most argumentative and difficult to deal with are that way, in part, because of their innate biologically and environmentally formed neural characteristics. We may *think* these people are consciously chosing to behave in illogical, sometimes reprehensible ways–and in some sense, they are. But in another sense, if our brains were “wired” in the same way, we’d be acting in a similar fashion.
I’ve acquired a new current events adversary through my son’s marriage. His lovely bride’s father is a tenured professor in Poli Sci. At the wedding reception he recommended a book that documents how the Bush/Cheney administration is subverting the constitution. Out of courtesy, I bought the book. It was unreadable, so I stopped after about three chapters, and by email told my new reading companion the same, giving him specific reasons that I found the book third rate. This resulted in a lengthy email exposition from him making the case against the Iraq War. It included the usual antiwar dogma, from neocon beginnings to utter failure today. I usually love debate (I’m a lawyer who practiced at the same NY firm as Glen), but I really don’t want to jeopardize a new relationship by pouncing on his “facts”. We’ve spent wonderful times with the new family. At the same time, staying silent in the face of gibberish is difficult for me.
I am thinking of suggesting a blog debate, where we could each set out our views at length. If done with civillity and respect, it could potentially strengthen our relationship while allowing each of us the freedom of disagreeing. Any thoughts?
PRIM,
My fear would be that the blog debate might lead to more of a disinhibition effect–that is, people feel more free to say things over the internet that they might not say in person. Therefore,it might make the relationship more strained, not less so. You will have to live with the father in law as long as your son is married (hopefully, for quite some time!) so it might not be the best way to relate. Others may have a different point of view but that is mine, FWIW.
I come from an entire family of solid conservatives. I married a man from a long line of solid democrats. I converted my husband long ago to my way of thinking. We rarely agree with his family, but political debates are normally low key. My father-n-law is about the only one who can get a little bent out of shape during a debate, but nothing to severe.
Before my father-n-law was diagnosed with Parkisons, my sister–n-law brought him and my mother-n-law for a visit. We hadn’t seen them for about 6 months and I was shocked by his condition that no one else seemed to notice, probably because it came on so gradually. He was literally asleep sitting upright at the kitchen table. To wake him up I said something about “those democrats”, his eyes popped open and he began to bluster. I still laugh over this. My in-laws are great people even though we disagree politically.
When my father left the Democratic Party decades ago because of their support for racial segregation and punitive taxation my grandfather didn’t talk to him for three years. My wife and I were also on different sides of the political fence. Our political debates were more about methods and means and less about personality traits or wild conspiracy theories. For example, my father is a Doctor and helped save her brothers life once. My father doesn’t like socialized medicine and is very vocal about it so family discussions focused on what positive things we should do to improved the current situation. We are a family that cares for each other first, and how we vote is a distant second. My father and my wife had many discussions about Hillary’s health care plan 15 years ago, but my wife would have never shown rude disrespect to the man who saved her brothers life, especially on a subject that he was way more qualified to understand. So she listened, pointed out where she disagreed and the discussion became one of how the health care system could be saved, not who was the biggest fool.We don’t allow our opinions to dominate the fact that we are a family that loves and depends on each other. My grandfather and father eventually reconciled, but our family has never forgotten the time wasted on politics and work hard to make sure it never happens again.
I agree that the first comments were extreme. That Officer’s Compact, with its shorter barrel, gives up a lot in accuracy and muzzle flash, and could cause serious discord. For family gatherings, I go with the full length barrel every time.
I suggest that the politicking relative read some article first as his reading said article will give us some more things to talk about. By the time he gets to the article, it’s usually weeks later.
If necessary, I’ll make up the existence of both the article and the blog posting the article, but such subterfuge usually buys you ample time to finish your meal in peace.
Wow! And I thought my family was bad, but according to your post, they’re as gentle as lambs. We disagree hotly on politics, but we’ve never not loved each other. My husband’s stated before that at the holidays we should all refrain from politics since it’s a hot-button issue. It’s just not polite conversation, he says. Following his words of wisdom, we all keep our mouths shut knowing pretty much already what each other thinks.
Think up all your witty biting sarcastic comments ahead of time.
That way you will have fewer “I shoulda said…”
This article struck a raw nerve with me. Several years ago we had what was supposed to be a family reunion-it turned into a debacle when the Dem’s of the family started their Bush-bashing. Today, we rarely talk and never get together as a group, each partition of the family having gone to their own corner, so to speak. Take my advice, go to family gatherings sparingly, if at all, and when there stay as short a time as possible. Eat and run.
Whoa, I misread the article initially thinking that those four holiday comments were from the same person. Now that would be a horrible Christmas…
Second, you can’t generally change someone else’s mind, especially someone who is extreme (in either direction-left, right or otherwise) in their political views
I wouldn’t be so pessimistic as that; however, I would agree that you generally won’t change someone’s mind right away. I’ve changed my opinions on several topics, but the change always occurred after reflection on the subject; I’ve never done an about-face immediately after hearing someone’s argument.
Of course, not everyone will eventually agree with you.
In our family we’ve pretty much silently agreed not to discuss politics. It got pretty heated during Clinton’s impeachment and the 2000 election, so now we avoid politics unless it’s with a family member who pretty much agrees with our views. On the other hand my family has the full range of human foibles, pathologies, and virtues so every holiday is fraught with a certain amount of drama. I’ve found it’s best to have a stiff rum-and-coke before any family events – it makes the worst of the family tolerable, and the best even more loveable.
Dr. Helen,
What a shame that you received so many discouraging responses! Admittedly, we have a few disagreements in our family, but luckily, we have never gotten to any extremes.
Be encouraged! In the heart of CA, there is a family with four children (with spouses) and many grandchildren who all get together and except for one lazy brother-in-law, we all like and respect each other and have a great time on Thanksgiving.
Here’s hoping to all who have “problem children” in their family that they can focus unselfishly on their family members who are pleasant and politely ignore those who have the bad manners to rile everyone else up!
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Some time ago, my daughters came up with the idea of a “CHILL” sign, to be retrieved and waved when the political discussions get too heated at family gatherings. Last time we were with the extended family, I had a vigorous but civil discussion with my more-liberal uncle about Iraq. The daughter farther down the table thought we were arguing, and wrote a CHILL sign on a napkin. The daughter sitting near us responded with a napkin stating “They’re just discussing”. We then put the two together for a “CHILL — They’re just discussing” display…. I rather like the idea of keeping both signs handy, and deploying one or both as conditions warrant.
1. Don’t be confrontational.
2. If you want to change the subject, just say, “You make some good points.” If it generates a lull, immediately change the subject, “Oh hey, I meant to ask you about…” or get out of there. If they keep going, just nod. Eventually they’ll get tired of speechifying.
3. Football
4. Don’t, Don’t, Don’t take the bait. A good arguer will always toss in a nice aside and the suckers will usually bite. If they say, “Hillary Clinton/George Bush is a Communist/Fascist who will destroy America.” Don’t feel the need to say, “Well I think she/he has some good ideas” unless you want to have a long debate.
5. Football
I’m still sticking with my now two-year-old suggestion of duct tape.
Anjali,
Yes, that’s right, you were the one with that suggestion. Not a bad one and perhaps better than the commenter on one of those threads who said that if he were driving with someone who was arguing with him on politics, he would drop them on the side of the road.
My aunt and uncle are lovely people but devout Catholics opposed to abortion to the point that they organized demonstrations against it. Once my aunt was arrested for picketing an abortion clinic. I wanted to ask her how the food was in the slammer, but my mom felt that would be unwise. Since then, I have agreed not to touch the third rail of abortion at the holidays with them. Instead, I ask for more punkin pie.
And at this time of year the wackos from PETA go to several major supermarkets and hand out their dumb vegetarian recipe books and usrge us all to go vegan for thatnksgiving POPPYCOCK the pilgrims were not vegetarians and nether am i let the turkeys from PETA to GET A LIFE AND GET LOST SQUAWK SQUAWK
This is the time of the year in which my husband and I live up to the never-goes-wrong law of life: you can’t pick your family, but you can your friends.
This thursday, my husband, 11-month-old and I are going to have our big dinner at home… with our good friends and a new one we have made from Greece. (It’d be his first real Thanksgiving, too!)
No throwing pies at each other because of politics. This is not the time for that kind of thing.
Civil conversation is possible only between two or more civil people. If one or more participants in a conversation do not know how to be civil, or do not wish to be civil, the conversation can be politely ended with a comment such as, “Thank you for your thought-provoking comments. I will have to think about them for some time to formulate a proper reply. Now how ’bout them Dawgs! (or Aggies, or Huskers, etc.)
Changing the subject might not work with a truly argumentative individual. In that case, pretend to start coughing and excuse yourself from the vicinity.
Later, you can let the air out of their tires, forcing them to exert themselves to regain the status quo ante.
When I read the subject about Holiday dinner discussions it reminded me of the time we ate with a relative who was a Dodge dealer in a small town. Throughout the meal, he was talking about how much better Dodges were than those GM cars (this was in the late 60s) We just kept quiet and let him go on and on, as my dad was a Chevy guy at the time, and so was I.
Most of the people I dine with share fairly similar political views with me, and most of them refrain from discussing them at the table, so that isn’t much of a problem. Some of our social friends and acquaintances tend to be much more liberal, and I have had to bite my tongue or get a kick under the table to prevent me from making a sarcastic comeback.
I’ve been shamelessly using my niece and nephews (ages 0-3) as human shields to avoid confrontation with older family members. I’d love to have a conversation about the shame I’ve brought on the family by being too ugly to get married, but someone has a toy/book/cute expression/etc they want to share with their Aunt Heather, so it will have to wait.
So far, so good, but I might have to get creative when they hit teenagerness.
I spent Christmas last year with my older brother and his family. My niece regaled her boyfriend with the details of a rehearsal dinner she’d attended where her Uncle and her Grandfather duked it out during the dessert course. I took the subsequent ribbing with great good humor.
Smile knowingly and politely turn away.
I’ve found biting my tongue too uncomfortable to endure for long. I’m biting mine, they’re flapping theirs, something’s gotta give.
Yep, it’s a problem in our family. My brother will always make snide & sexist anti-male comments and my mother … WELL!
I try to steer things towards genealogy, which is a much safer topic. I also limit my time with them to the minimum required.
My family are all conservatives (at least, my immediate family is) and after 15 years, I still have no idea what my in-laws’ politics are. These are not discussed. But I wish dearly that I had the courage to intervene when other yelling and ranting begins. It takes all the fun out of family gatherings.
My wife’s family tend toward the “new” liberal, my wife and I tend toward “new” conservative (classical liberal). My brothers-in-law, cousins-in-law, and mother-in-law, see every holiday as an opportunity to attempt to bash us on our political preferences.
We have resisted the urge to “rise to the bait” and argue poitics at all holiday feasts (coincidentally hosted by us capitalists). By declining all attempts at political conversation with my in (out) laws we have managed to avoid most of the conflict. It should be noted that the avoidance of conflict is managed by the non-netroots!
Duct tape? What a wonderful idea. Imagine as the (extended) family sits about the Xmas tree, each member forcefully ducted from any comment whatsoever. No more comments from the brother-in-law about he was “right” and everyone else was wrong; no more from the niece who knows it all and is unyielding in her capacity to tell everyone what they should think. That is a holiday I could really enjoy.