Ask Dr. Helen
Today, I will answer a couple of questions from you, the readers. Thanks to everyone who sent questions– there were so many good ones, it was hard to choose just a few, but I hope to get to more of them as time goes on. So let’s get started! The first question is from an anonymous commenter at my site who asks:
While in therapy for depression I found myself correcting my therapist on what I found to be well meaning and not mean-spirited anti-male bias.
When I expressed that I felt that the field of psychology was biased institutionally towards men she asked me one of those leading “why” questions. To which I replied “because there aren’t enough men in your field.” She quickly changed the subject.
Over time she stopped making many of those references in our therapy sessions. I’m not sure if it was just to not upset me or because I changed her outlook.
I was facing real issues of depression based upon an un-cureable handicap and I still had to deal with a very biased world view.
What advice can you give to men dealing with situations that call for therapy but find themselves in a field that seems incapable of understanding them?
Dear Anonymous Commenter:
First, let me say that depression is a very real problem in men and leads over 24,000 men a year to kill themselves –there are only slightly more than 30,000 suicides in the US per year. So it is imperative that men get help if they suffer from depression, particularly if it is severe. That said, once men do go for help to a mental health professional, they may find that, like you, the therapist has been indoctrinated into sterotypes of how men behave and may not even be aware of it. While it is impressive that you helped the therapist lessen her stereotypes, it would be best if you could find a therapist who did not need this lesson. This negative male stereotyping is certainly not uncommon among therapists. Even the American Psychological Association’s past president has a sexist article on his website entitled, How to Raise Sons Who Won’t Create Sex Scandals. This title tells you all you need to know about how this professional feels about men. I’m sure he’s a nice man, but when he writes an article called How to Raise Daughters Who Won’t Make False Rape Allegations, I’ll eat my words.
So how do you find a therapist who understands men and their issues? Ask around if you feel comfortable. Sometimes a friend or co-worker will let you know that he is pleased with his therapist and refer the therapist to you. Another way is to call the mental health division of your insurance company as they often have counselors that you can talk with confidentially who can match you to a specialist in your area. I personally don’t think the gender of the therapist makes a big difference in treatment for men–both male and female therapists can have negative sterotypes of men–but if you feel more comfortable with a male or female, you can certainly seek out a specific gender. If you want more general tips on how to find a psychologist–go to the National Register of Health Service Providers here and scroll down for the tips. You can also locate qualified psychologists in your area at the site.
My advice is to meet with a therapist initially just to see if you get along. If after the first few sessions, he or she makes you feel uncomfortable, lets you know that “men act this way or that” without taking your individuality into account or throws out biased cliches about how men behave, it is not your job to correct her. Say, “I feel uncomfortable that you have such a negative opinion of men. It makes me wonder whether or not you have the ability to help me.” If she (or he) cannot deal directly with this statement, then you may want to change therapists. A therapist should be willing to say, “Help me understand you.” That is what we do. If you get the vibe that the therapist does not want to address the issue, does not want to change his or her behavior, or simply does not understand why you are upset, you may want to consider going elsewhere. But please do remember that there are many good and competent therapists out there who work with a variety of clients. Just make sure that you find one of them.
Finally, I agree that there seems to be an institutional bias against men in the field of psychology–just as there used to be against women years ago. That has been overcorrected and we are now left with many in the helping professions who could use some help in reversing their stereotypes of how men “should be.” As the field of PHD psychologists skews more and more away from the male perspective due to declining numbers of men in the field, it will be up to female therapists to learn to better deal with and assist male clients. In addition, universities should do what they can to recruit male psychologists and therapists–we need both men and women in the field.
The second question was emailed to me by a male reader:
“What are ways couples can demonstrate intimacy with one another that don’t involve sex? In other words, how can two people demonstrate intimacy with one another that doesn’t rely on sex as either a tool or a goal? I’m interested in hearing people’s (and your) ideas of what defines intimacy and how people can benefit from learning new ways to express it.”
That is a great question because so many of the problems that couples have involve intimacy issues outside of the bedroom. So how can one be intimate without sex? Well, there are probably as many answers as there are couples so I will start with my own. Everyone has his or own definition of what attracts them to a spouse and makes them feel that their spouse or partner is special and close to their heart.
Intimacy to me is knowing that my husband has “my back”–that is, I feel close to him because I feel that he would never hurt me purposely and has my best interests at heart. He also gives me freedom, the freedom to be myself and he does not try to change me or want me to be someone else for him. I knew that I felt intimacy with him when we were dating and I made him dinner. I am a terrible cook, the salmon I made was raw and the rice was burned but he lit up like a Christmas tree and told me it was wonderful. I knew it wasn’t, but I knew then that I could be myself with him, despite being a crummy cook, having a bad temper, being a contrarian and well, I won’t go on. The point is that intimacy to me was his acceptance and that makes me feel much closer to him than a back rub ever could. But then, there are some people such as commenter Deborah in the last column who stated, “Women love back rubs because it is a form of intimacy that is not intercourse.” So massage, footrubs, and perhaps handholding might be seen as intimate by other people.
I will turn the question back to the readers, how do you define intimacy besides the obvious? Drop a line in the comments and share your thoughts. Or if you have a question you would like answered, please leave it below or email me at askdrhelen at hotmail.com. Your questions may be edited for length and clarity.
This advice column is for educational and entertainment purposes only and does not purport to replace therapy or psychological treatment.
My wife and I make active efforts to share each others’ interests and hobbies, so intimacy happens in the forebrain as well as skin-to-skin. Which is why I know a lot more about costume history and she knows a lot more about guns than either of us would otherwise.
The right sort of habits are important, too. Every night when we’re at home, just before bed, I make my wife herb tea and she makes me hot chocolate. The drinks are pleasant, but what matters more is making some unhurried space, every day, in which each of us does the other a small, intimate sevice.
I think if more couples understood how effective little maintenance behaviors like this can be the divorce rate would plummet.
Mr. Raymond,
I couldn’t agree with you more, I am sitting here with a cup of coffee that my husband brought me talking about the internet and other interests that we share. I know much more about technology and history from my husband and he, perhaps unfortunately, knows more about psychological issues than he ever wanted to know. BTW, I am an admirer of your work and came to know it through my husband.
Research shows that the patient knows if they will be able to work well with their therapist after two therapy sessions. The intake session does not count, but the next two count for everything. If you know in your heart that the person you are seeing is just not right, fire them and find another. You pay for the help, so pay for the help you want and need.
Another way to build intimacy in a marriage is to share feelings, hopes, and dreams. Holding hands or lying in bed, heads on the pillows, just looking at each other helps the process a lot, but just talking about important aspects of our inner life builds wonderful intimacy.
Trey
I think one of the biggest reasons why suicide rates, particularly in Western countries, are so heavily biased towards men is the simple fact that our social networks tend to be much more fragile & based almost entirely on school, work & intimate family connections.
According to the CDC (2001), white males aged 15-34 & 65 & up are far more likely to kill themselves then women. Anyone want to take a guess why?
How about work (or the lack thereof) & widower-hood.
(Incidentally, black men finish second on the suicide charts & are most likely to be the victims of homicide followed by white men. I’m not sure the difference is that great. Like the man says, “murder is just an extroverted suicide.”)
Related: Most of the normalized studies I’ve seen on alcoholism & drug use recovery decry the value of 12-step programs & suggest that the men most likely to recover from addictions generally do so with the help of a loving spouse/partner & a couple of close, dedicated friends.
The relationship here?
To paraphrase Warren Farrell, if women are viewed as sex objects, men tend to be regarded by family, friends & significant others as success objects.
Moreover, women seem to maintain tighter bonds through tough times & by my eye, at least, are less likely to require achievement as a codicil to their relationships with other women then men.
I’m not sure that traditional therapy can help much here. If you’re male & on the skids you are probably isolated. This is very depressing. One hour a week or a monthly group therapy session is not going to help much.
What depressed men need, generally speaking, are physical resources & opportunities: a way out, a way back in, real friends they can rely on & loyal family, a new start in a more salubrious environment.
Just my two cents.
Unfortunately, all my wife wants is intimacy without sex. (And her definition of intimacy tends to shift according to her mood.)
I let my wife have a cat even though I hate them. I’ll even feed it because if it dies it will make her sad. This seems to have scored long term teflon points for me.
Helen, I am glad to see you practicing your craft (and speaking out about your business) more actively in columns such as this. When you started blogging, your posts were more general in nature, but you seem to be moving in a more therapy-centric direction. I suspect this is a good thing for you and your readers.
Before I met my wife, I had three criteria for a partner:
1. Attractive to my eyes.
2. I could put up with her foolishness.
3. She could put up with mine.
Boy, did these help, especially the latter two. Intimacy is often a matter of being able to share your thoughts, feelings, and opinions, no matter how outrageous, with someone else. Feeling safe and loved, able to put down the masks we wear all day every day, is the greatest form of intimacy.
And back rubs. Back rubs rock.
Although I do fix her breakfast in bed and do foot rubs but just asking about her day and making sure you get in a kiss in the morning really seems to make a difference.
And I agree that the idea that we are “in this thing together” is a really good feeling. Hey, going on 25 years so I guess it’s working.
Regarding the second question, I recommend The Five Love Languages. The author goes off the rails a couple of times, but it’s an interesting and thought-provoking book nonetheless. The basic premise is that different people express/recognize love in different ways: for one person, it might be a back rub, for another it might be a surprise bouquet or just taking care of chores around the house. If you and your partner are ‘speaking different languages,’ he/she might be expressing intimacy in a way you don’t recognize for what it is.
Hm. I’ve seen two women shrinks over the years and haven’t run into any anti-male foolishness. That’s anecdotal, of course, but at the very least, they’re not *all* bonkers.
As far as Dr. H’s advice about choosing a therapist — meeting to see if you get along — that’s very, very good advice.
It’s a good idea to do initial screening by calling and asking them a few questions about their therapeutic approach and whatnot right there on the phone. If one of ‘em doesn’t want to answer questions at all on the phone, BZZT — next! If you just don’t “click”, thank ‘em politely and call the next shrink. If the shrink’s more depressed than you are, maybe he’s not your best bet.
Don’t forget, a bad therapist can do you a lot of damage.
When one gets past the screening, don’t be too afraid to bail after the third session as TMink suggests above. If it’s not a good fit, it’s a waste of time and money.
One resource that I have found to be understanding of men’s psychological concerns are the Vet Centers counciling services offered through the Department of Veteran Affairs.
See here: http://www.va.gov/RCS/Vet_Center_Services.asp
The Vet Center’s work with family members as well as Vet’s themselves. My own experience in the mid-80′s was a lasting, positive one that likely kept me out of the suicide statistic’s files.
Dr. Helen:
The Author of Six.
My now grown, and recently well employed son, has a childhood friend who is now in jail.
While the Goracle is experiencing similar trouble this week I thought I would address it.
This is guy who was in a garage band with my son in sixth grade, extremely likeable but never fit in a driven, affluent community. Both his parents were Physicians. We watched him grow up with our son.
He has had a meth addiction and trafficing “problem”. His parents have given him about 10,000 second chances but have effectively cut him off.
I don’t wish to enable him. And he being a friend of the family, I don’t wish to let him rot in jail.
How do tell when they have bottomed out and will work at a change, rather than just one more friend or family member to give the street hustle.
Since he has had a bad Meth addiction in the past and no positive social feedback outside his street associates it doesn’t look hopeful.
We’ll visit him in jail next month.
I wonder if you are familiar with the book, The Five Love Languages? He talks about 5 ways that people can express love and that there’s one particular way for each of us that we expect to experience love. What you’ve said fit perfectly with what he said, but he also talks about other “languages” when such gestures don’t work.
Dear Dr. Helen,
While I enjoyed your debut “Dear Abby” column, I feel compelled to call you to task as to the beneficial outcomes from such a superficial endeavor. Perhaps an insignificant minority will somehow find an inspirational ability to correct past behaviors, but I sincerely doubt it. The “Doctor Phil” phenomena might be entertaining, but it is nowhere near therapeautically viable.
I have been involved with hypnotherapy for over thirty years. I’ve spent decades studying Milton Erickson, Virginia Satir, and the likes of Bandler and Grinder (NLP), and am convinced that process therapy is the only sound and viable treatment modality, as opposed to content oriented treatment. Who really cares how you dissect a particular problem, unless you can first diagnose and treat the mental processes that bring about the particular content in the first place? That’s like trying to kill off the weed by simply lopping off the leaves on the surface. Duh.
If you are truly interested in helping the people who communicate with you, please invest yourself in the learning of “Meta” communication. Otherwise, you are just another hack who is more interested in entertainment than the healing arts.
I firmly believe you are motivated by good intent, so this is no deliberate disparagement towards you. However, you are on the wrong path. Re-evaluate.
It’s not what we think, it’s why and how we think what we think.
We learn processes of how to think. In most cases, they are flawed. Until there is correction in the how, there is no therapy.
If you only have one way to respond to a problem, that’s a phobia.
If you only have two ways to respond to a problem, that’s a dilemma.
Only when you have three or more choices in how to respond to a problem do you have a reportoire of selection, and freedom to select the best alternative.
Good therapy is about liberating an individual so that they have that repertoire.
Yours, Curt.
I think it boils down to unconditional trust. Which is what Dr. Helen describes. It’s about each having very healthy boundaries but no barriers. Between two persons who share an intimacy, the door must be wide open. A chink won’t do. The open door tells the other: I know I can let you come into my mind and walk about in it, without endangering my self love or my self esteem. Your gaze will tell me that I matter to you, that my well-being impacts your well being. And vice versa.
I don’t think it’s easy to reach this state. For some it’s quite impossible.
I wonder if you are familiar with the book, The Five Love Languages?
*coughs and points to her 11:30am comment*
The problem is larger when after 25 years you have failed as a success object following all the mergers and RIFs. She may have been a wonderful mother and dutiful wife, but if you were never able to establish emotional, spiritual or intellectual intimacy you have been sitting on a one-legged stool of physical intimacy. If that fails with time, age or economic failure you are left sitting in doo-doo just like when the cow you were milking shifts unexpectedly.
At this age if her love is gone you are not going to get it back with romance or any physical attractions. If she does not want to engage in activity that lends to other forms of intimacy then the only possible means is to go after the long-shot financial success opportunities. Then if new success opens her up to you again maybe you can get her to accept non-sexual intimacy. With the additional legs on the stool your love may survive the next dissapointments of life.
Helen,
It is the little things that count as much as the big things. Sex can be great, but Love with sex is better…Here are some things we do or I do.
First: We always email each other every day. I will do this no matter were I am, if it is possible I do it, and it is hard sometimes when you are in the desert. When we first met she had never been with anyone who made sure he said Hi to her during the day by phone or email.
Second: I always tell her that I Love her and kiss her when I go to work or leave for long periods of time. In my business you never know if you might not come back. No MATTER WHAT MOOD You or She is in!
Third: When we meet after long periods away we take off somewhere to be by ourselves without kids or even friends. Time is precious, so we spend some just with each other.
Fouth: The unexpected little gifts arriving without notice are more important than the big expensive gifts. A card, note, short letter, left somewhere for her to find it in the home while you are away will leave a lasting memory and thought. I once left a pair of Frogs in a loving embrace by her garden which she did not find until two weeks after I had left to the Middle East…..it stunned her, and she remembers me every time she works in the garden now.
It does not take money to have intimacy, but it does take a little time and thought.
Ben Bauman
Dr. Helen, I don’t want to insult you on your own blog and much of this is anger/frustration. I do not know if you can see it my way, but please try.
I’ve tried thirty some odd times to get through therapy. The results have been BAD, very bad for all but two.
I suppose the one thing which is worst is the absolute refusal to try to see my point of view on a goodly many things. For example, the signs and literature for female rape survivors and battered women which all Canadian therapists have: There’s nothing for the men, not even a tiny piece of paper, nothing. I’ve yet to even hear rumor of a therapist of any stripe who can see why that would be insulting. Even the good ones just tell me to ignore it.
Ignoring injustice only causes more injustice! I’ve yet to even hear rumor of a therapist who can understand that. I have never met a therapist how can GET the point and why it is so very important to me. That point is near the very heart, the soul, of all work to better society and they just cannot get it.
Another is the male PhD psychologist who asked me if dancing with an armed female Captain of Detectives turned me on. There’s not a lawyer in the country who couldn’t use that question as proof beyond a reasonable doubt that the psychologist had not understood a thing I had said. Yet! Yet, the psychologist argued that he HAD to ask the question! DUMB! Really dumb. Insulting, dehumanizing and degrading too.
So, Dr. Helen, I, personally, cannot see your advice as having any value. Searching for something which apparently does not exist is bad use of time. Now, you’re going to come back with “we’re not all like that” and I have not met even a tiny fraction of the therapists in North America, so you have a point. Yet, I also have a point in that with the size and scope of my bad experiences, the odds of finding someone good look atrocious.
This is a fight I’ve had, online and face to face, many times with PhD’s and MSW’s. For me, it’s always the same thing, the refusal to listen.
The conversation you quote between the man and his dismissive therapist immediately reminded me of the Caveman ad with the arrogant and clueless therapist. Funny, yet not.
My husband’s daughter was murdered in late 1995 in a truly vicious way by an ex-boyfriend. The D.A.’s office was, to a great extent, to blame. My husband has struggled daily with this and his encounters with therapists were vapid and insulting. Zoloft and Xanax have worked where therapy could not. He says he will never see a therapist again and that I’m all the therapy he needs. I suspect this is because I was a psych major and am able to help him understand human nature in a way that therapists refuse to admit or deal with. To try to talk to any of them about “evil” is to howl into the wind.
The reason I never went further with my degree is that, long before I graduated, I had lost all respect for the profession. That has never changed. This is not to dis you at all, Dr. Helen, but there are a whole heck of a lot of bad apples in your barrel. They may be OK when dealing with amorphous depression, but when it comes to hard, cold pain based in actual experience, they often do not get it. And yes, they are very strongly geared towards women and do not know how to deal with men. The whole profession is completely feminized.
PJM just lost this reader. The last thing I want to read about is a woman telling us all how we are to be. Phooey. By PJM.
Well, John, PJM has a right to publish and you have the right not to read, all of which is part of the freedom of speech. So why the melodramatics?
Point taken, Achillea. Should have read farther down.
My Dear Helen,
First thank you for your Blog… Nice to see someone listening AND hearing what is being told to them.
I am a Survivor of Long Term Abuse and now am formally diagnosed with PTSD on a fairly high level. My former spouse was quite severe in many respects and incorporating many methods & tactics to accomplish her goals of abuse. She was ultimately Charged & Arrested and is presently in the Criminal Court Process.
How did I discover that I was a Victim ? Well I was thoroughly “Desensitized” to it and it actually took a very intuitive counsellor who was doing an intake on my children for counselling, to do an Abuse Victim Screen on me… She told me at the end of all the stuff to do with the kids, that I was a Victim of Domestic Violence and that I scored 18 of 20 on the DV Abuse Intake screen… I was flabbergasted! She also told me that, if I had been a woman, she would immediately refer me and my three young children to a Crisis Centre BUT because I am a male, there is no such services available.
I went to see several counsellors once I finally settled this in my mind and looked over all the “propaganda” that she gave me, which came from Women’s Shelters etc… It all actually fit, with the exception of GENDER statements. I went through several counsellors and I actually had three of them insult and denigrate me! It was, simply put, MORE ABUSE! and from so called “professionals” who I believed should know better… Comments such as “Get Over It” or “It could have never been that bad” or “What do you expect me to do about it” were echoed from them…
I was VERY VERY fortunate… I eventually found a male counsellor through a long chain of events and an accidental / chance meeting with another survivor, who deals with Trauma and Men who are traumatized… I finally got help! and it is making a difference. BTW: People do not want to understand how hard it is to Trust & Open Up to a counsellor of the same Gender that has victimized you! Women have the same emotional reactions to Male Counsellors when they are victims of D.V. as well. Neither the Police Services, Government Services or any of the “supposed” agencies that claim to help Men, were of any use and actually DO NOT SUPPORT MEN. Here in Canada, there is a document put out by the Federal Government, that claims that there are all these agencies that will help Men… guess what… NONE OF THEM ACTUALLY DO! It is a piece of toilet paper! Here is the Link:
http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/familyviolence/pdfs/fv-2004abusmn_e.pdf
The Bottom line… We ALL NEED HELP and the Governments own statistics in Canada,USA, UK etc…. ALL STATE THIS CLEARLY. Women & Men are Equally responsible for DV against each other… Yet there is NO SUPPORT for Men! The “Professional” community needs an awakening and Reality Check based on the FACTS and NOT PROPAGANDA… BIG Time!
I’ll close this simply & with something for everyone to ponder.
35 years ago… a Male Police Officer asked my Bleeding and Injured Mother (from Domestic Violence), What did YOU do to piss off your husband ?
In 2006, a young male Police Officer asked me, What did YOU do to piss her off so much ?? IMAGINE THAT! The tables have really turned haven’t they!
All I did, was finally decide that I was no longer going to allow her to abuse me, our 3 children (under the age of 6) and that I was no longer going to accept any of it, anymore! She then promptly attacked me in front of our children and I was forced to call in the Police. In fact, she continued to assault me while I was on the phone to 9-1-1 and it is recorded!
Those 3 counsellors I mentioned… also asked me similar questions… and this after I had attempts on my life (post her arrest) and threats against me and vandalism to our home and far more than I wish to discuss here.
In my case intimacy consists of giving her attorney access to all my financial records so I can prove how broke I am and stay out of jail.
(Okay, I’m ready for the anger management column now…)
In my case, intimacy means revealing how broke I am to her lawyer so I don’t go to jail.
(Okay, I’m ready for the anger management column now…)
I have a sister who is a therapist, she’s also so fervently feminist she can’t buy garden hose accoutrement for lack of proper nomenclature. I pity the poor man who stumbles into her office looking for help. It’s not that she’s pernicious or anything like that, it’s just that she sees the world in a us vs. them way. Unfortunately, she is not alone.
to JW: obviously I don’t know your situation. I don’t know how bad your life has been or what you have to deal with now. However, some observations. You state that you have been through some 30 rounds of therapy. The variable that hasn’t changed through all that is yourself. Quite frankly, from what you say in your post, you sound a little overly-sensitive. I don’t know if this is really true about you or not-you stated yourself that your post is a rant to blow off some steam. Maybe you really are an odd case which most therapists are not equipped to deal well with. It is more likely that this is not the case and there is some way that you need to be more flexible. I’m not saying this to defend your therapists, but rather to try to help you. I know from personal experience that until you let go of whatever it is that you cling to, there isn’t much that anyone can do for you. That can be terribly hard and can feel like you are giving way on something you feel you shouldn’t budge on. Sometimes you have to let go because that is what is best for you and just say “darn the rest.” Try to take a good look at yourself and try to identify what is going on with you through all this. Like I said earlier, maybe this doesn’t apply to you at all, or maybe you are completely blind to your own role in things. (I have caught myself in this and it stinks!) This stuff can be nasty. Good luck.
I think that we put too much stock in the profession as a whole. A therapist is only someone who is trained to identify the issues. There role is to light the path…but YOU still have to walk down it.
if you choose not to for whatever reason you will be stuck in the same place.
if the therapist is competent and has gained your trust this shouldn’t be a difficult process. but trust is key and only you know whether YOUR therapist has the right key for you to trust them.
Ultimately YOUR mental health is YOUR responsibility and you will be accountable for your actions not your therapist.