An ObamaSpeak Translator: The Presidential Address on Afghanistan
For there should be no doubt that so long as I am President, the United States will never tolerate a safe-haven for those who aim to kill us: they cannot elude us, nor escape the justice they deserve. Translation: Iran doesn’t count.
My fellow Americans, this has been a difficult decade for our country. We have learned anew the profound cost of war — a cost that has been paid by the nearly 4,500 Americans who have given their lives in Iraq, and the over 1,500 who have done so in Afghanistan — men and women who will not live to enjoy the freedom that they defended. Translation: Obama 2012: Anti-war Again.
Thousands more have been wounded. Some have lost limbs on the field of battle, and others still battle the demons that have followed them home.
Yet tonight, we take comfort in knowing that the tide of war is receding. Translation: We’re retreating.
Fewer of our sons and daughters are serving in harm’s way. We have ended our combat mission in Iraq, with 100,000 American troops already out of that country. Translation: I’m not comfortable with the word “victory.”
And even as there will be dark days ahead in Afghanistan, the light of a secure peace can be seen in the distance. These long wars will come to a responsible end. Translation: The President will not be answering questions at this time.
As they do, we must learn their lessons. Translation: ?
Already this decade of war has caused many to question the nature of America’s engagement around the world. Some would have America retreat from our responsibility as an anchor of global security, and embrace an isolation that ignores the very real threats that we face. Others would have America over-extend ourselves, confronting every evil that can be found abroad. We must chart a more centered course. Translation: I have no definable policy. Don’t ask me about Libya vs. Syria.
Like generations before, we must embrace America’s singular role in the course of human events. Translation: It is what it is.
But we must be as pragmatic as we are passionate; as strategic as we are resolute. Translation: I have no definable policy.
When threatened, we must respond with force — but when that force can be targeted, we need not deploy large armies overseas. Translation: Lawyers.
When innocents are being slaughtered and global security endangered, we don’t have to choose between standing idly by or acting on our own. Instead, we must rally international action, which we are doing in Libya, where we do not have a single soldier on the ground, but are supporting allies in protecting the Libyan people and giving them the chance to determine their destiny. Translation: Kinetic. Military. Action.
In all that we do, we must remember that what sets America apart is not solely our power — it is the principles upon which our union was founded. We are a nation that brings our enemies to justice while adhering to the rule of law, and respecting the rights of all our citizens. Translation: To my base: I wanted civilian trials.
We protect our own freedom and prosperity by extending it to others. Translation: Uh oh, here we are talking about prosperity. Danger! Danger!
We stand not for empire, but for self-determination. Translation: That’s what the people from the Non-Aligned Movement told me to say.
That is why we have a stake in the democratic aspirations that are now washing across the Arab World. We will support those revolutions with fidelity to our ideals, with the power of our example, and with an unwavering belief that all human beings deserve to live with freedom and dignity. Translation: As long as it doesn’t require troops.
Above all, we are a nation whose strength abroad has been anchored in opportunity for our citizens at home. Translation: Here we go, pivoting to the economy. Ugh.
Over the last decade, we have spent a trillion dollars on war, at a time of rising debt and hard economic times. Translation: I inherited this economy.
Now, we must invest in America’s greatest resource — our people. Translation: Spend, spend, spend!
We must unleash innovation that creates new jobs and industry, while living within our means. Translation: I choose not to define “our means.”
We must rebuild our infrastructure and find new and clean sources of energy. Translation: Chevy. Volt.
And most of all, after a decade of passionate debate, we must recapture the common purpose that we shared at the beginning of this time of war. Translation: Let’s all unite behind me!
For our nation draws strength from our differences, and when our union is strong no hill is too steep and no horizon is beyond our reach. Translation: My election prospects right now don’t look too good.
America, it is time to focus on nation building here at home. Translation: Great New Society Deal Spend Spend Public Option.
In this effort, we draw inspiration from our fellow Americans who have sacrificed so much on our behalf. To our troops, our veterans and their families, I speak for all Americans when I say that we will keep our sacred trust with you, and provide you with the care, and benefits, and opportunity that you deserve. Translation: Except being able to vote while active duty.
I met some of those patriotic Americans at Fort Campbell. Translation: OK, I was supposed to give this speech at Fort Drum, but I like it better here at the White House.
A while back, I spoke to the 101st Airborne that has fought to turn the tide in Afghanistan, and to the team that took out Osama bin Laden. Translation: I like the troops! I really, really do!
Standing in front of a model of bin Laden’s compound, the Navy SEAL who led that effort paid tribute to those who had been lost — brothers and sisters in arms whose names are now written on bases where our troops stand guard overseas, and on headstones in quiet corners of our country where their memory will never be forgotten. Translation: Plouffe, you magnificent bastard.
This officer — like so many others I have met with on bases, in Baghdad and Bagram, at Walter Reed and Bethesda Naval Hospital — spoke with humility about how his unit worked together as one — depending on each other, and trusting one another, as a family might do in a time of peril. That’s a lesson worth remembering — that we are all a part of one American family. Translation: Socialism.
Though we have known disagreement and division, we are bound together by the creed that is written into our founding documents, and a conviction that the United States of America is a country that can achieve whatever it sets out to accomplish. Translation: I threw that b**** in the ocean.
Now, let us finish the work at hand. Let us responsibly end these wars, and reclaim the American Dream that is at the center of our story. With confidence in our cause; with faith in our fellow citizens; and with hope in our hearts, let us go about the work of extending the promise of America — for this generation, and the next. Translation: Social Security will go insolvent for our kids’ kids.
May God bless our troops. And may God bless the United States of America. Translation: My staff insisted I say this.
Good evening. Nearly 10 years ago, America suffered the worst attack on our shores since Pearl Harbor. Translation: Hey senior citizens! I remember Pearl Harbor.
Actually, he can only (potentially) remember hearing about Pearl Harbor since it happened 20 years before he was born. Only someone alive and sentient in 1941 could conceivably remember Pearl Harbor.
Then the call to, “Remember The Alamo”, is meaningless? The fool in the White House needs to remember, if he ever learned, that God is real, Communism doesn’t work, Freidman, not Keynes, is correct, Islam is inherently evil, we are the Good Guys, Israel is right; her enemies are wrong; and such.
Then the call to, “Remember The Alamo”, is meaningless?
Good point. I get a little pedantic at times and decided to nitpick about the meaning of “memory”. You’re right though, even someone born after Pearl Harbor – or the Alamo – and and should remember it in the sense of learning from it.
And even as there will be dark days ahead in Afghanistan, the light of a secure peace can be seen in the distance. These long wars will come to a responsible end. Translation: The President will not be answering questions at this time.
As they do, we must learn their lessons. Translation: ?
The translation for that one is easy: America should never have fought the Taliban or Al Qaeda in the first place because they are Muslims and Islam is the Religion of Peace. It was our own fault that we were attacked on 9/11 because of our multitude of sins against Islam.
The options are: 1. You are acting as an agent provocateur, or;
2. You are unable to read the Koran.
Sorry, once again I was unclear. I meant my alternate translation to represent my best guess as to what Obama’s innermost thoughts are. I can’t help but believe he is offended by all attacks on Islam, including the invasion of Afghanistan. He just doesn’t dare say anything against the Afghanistan war because he knows that a huge number of Americans are still very angry about 9/11 and he simply couldn’t get away with saying it should never have been attacked. Yet somehow I feel sure that is what he thinks: that Afghanistan should never have been attacked by America because it is an offence against Islam, the (alleged) Religion of Peace.
Good evening. Nearly 10 years ago, America suffered the worst attack on our shores since Pearl Harbor. TRANSLATION: I’ld like to take credit for killing OBL once again in squeezing every last ounce of political favor from it that I can despite the fact my entire Communist/racist/Muslim appeasement campaign platform would’ve asssured OBL would never be reached.
Where are Obama’s usual straw-persons?
“Some will say we should never, ever let our military leave our shores to fight any kind of war. Others will say we should have guaranteed the safety of every Afghan dweller for the next 500 years. But I say telling the enemy how exactly we plan to quit the field will quite possibly bring peace, equal opportunity, affirmative action, and prosperity to every poppy-grower in that fair land.
“We must chart a more centered course.”
Libya? Heads? Okay, we take out Qaddafi.
Syria? Oops. Tails. Assad gets to stay in power.
See? A more centered course. Some b****es get to stay, and some have to go.
Why is this juvenile drivel on PJM?
This sounds like something I’d expect from a spoiled 9th grader.
It’s in response to the juvenile drivel coming from Barky.
America’s mission was doomed to fail the moment the Army set fire to those Holy Bibles. Because of that, Afghanistan will be left in the ‘dark wood’ of Islam instead of the ‘straight road’ of Christianity. People who are hostile to Christianity would disagree, but time will tell, and won’t be long before Afghanistan reverts to the what it was before, and all our efforts there will have been for naught.
Afghanistan is still what it has been and will continue to be; a center of islamic jihad. Folks in the heroin business, motivated by the demonic nonsense of Islam and the inhumanity of Sharia feel no compulsion to evolve culturally.
We need to get out, stay out, and terminate our wrongheaded policy of intervention in foreign affairs.
What we must, and certainly will not do, is to agent orange their opium fields and promise to keep coming back and doing it over and over again as long as we have to. Suppression of heroin trafficking will cure lots of social ills.
A more emergent issue is in Israel, where israeli security can be assured only by the forced emigration of the palestinians and their acceptance by their arab brothers in Jordan, Syria, Lebanon, etc. But Israel won’t do that, either.
I was having a fun time with this post until the chillingly true reality of Iran not even close to Obamas radar. Overall a great piece of satire and a poignant reminder of why I can’t listen to the Prez anymore now, than ever. God, what drivel.
Obama said recently that “…the economy belongs to all of us.” Translation: we are coming for your land, your home, your retirement account.