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An FAQ on Christianity for the Unbeliever

A helpful guide for those who find it impossible to understand the religion thing.

by
Frank J. Fleming

Bio

August 14, 2012 - 11:01 am
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I’m pretty sure they’re judgmental. Like that Tim Tebow, I’m pretty sure he’s judging me.

I’m not even sure he’s aware you exist.

Yeah, but the way he lives his life all “holy” and “nice” makes me really feel like he’s judging me for not doing the same.

I’m pretty sure Tim Tebow is just trying to do his best in the eyes of God and isn’t try to make you feel bad by it.

Still, I’d really feel better if he was caught doing something really licentious. It would make me feel less bad about myself.

You should write a letter to him telling him that. Maybe he’ll listen.

Are Christians allowed to own businesses?

Under current understanding of the law, they are in fact allowed to own businesses, and many do.

But they’re not allowed to talk about all their weird Christany stuff while owning a business, right?

Most people would consider that to fall under our First Amendment rights — those protecting both freedom of speech and religion. Thus, people should be allowed to talk about their Christian beliefs without fearing government reprisal, such as politicians trying to block them from opening businesses.

Are you going by a strict constructionist interpretation of the First Amendment where the words actually mean things?

Yes.

But what if it’s a super hateful thing the Christians say, like being against gay marriage?

While homosexuals have often been treated hatefully (and hatefulness is certainly not a Christian value), there’s nothing hateful in opposing gay marriage. Christians simply believe that the Bible clearly states what God intends a marriage to be and want to respect that and not replace it with their own wants or judgments.

No, it’s hateful. So hateful, I’m going to write NoH8 on myself and put tape on my mouth for inexplicable reasons.

If you want to believe it’s hateful, you can, but that will prevent any rational discussion on the issue.

Hate! Hateful! Hater hate hate hate!

Now you’re just… let’s move on.

Time travelers, on their way to kill Hitler, have stopped by in our time to tell us how the gay marriage debate ended and have let us know that gay marriage is inevitable. So why won’t Christians get out of its way? Won’t they feel bad and stupid when gay marriage is here and everyone likes it?

Whether or not society accepts gay marriage, many Christians will continue to oppose it since, again, the Bible seems pretty clear on marriage. So expect opposition to continue far, far into the future.

But if Christians continue to be hating haters who hate by not supporting gay marriage, won’t people stop being a part of their religion?

Christianity has survived violence and persecution of its adherents for thousands of years, so it’s unlikely the gay marriage debate will do it in. The Bible has always had a lot to say about sex and marriage that has made a lot of people unhappy in the past, but Christians will continue to teach the Bible in the future. It’s like how sex outside of marriage has become okay according to society, but Christians still teach against it, even if they are a minority voice on the subject.

Hating haters hate hate hate!

You’re doing it again.

And what’s with the opposition to making insurance pay for contraception? Do Christians really want to send us back to a time when fundamentalists controlled everything and people were burned at the stake for being witches and women had to go to Walgreens and spend their own money to get contraception?

There are numerous Christian views on contraception, but Christians universally support freedom of religion and don’t think people should have to fund what they morally oppose.

So they think that freedom of religion is more important than free contraception?

They would argue that, yes.

And what’s with Christians’ constant opposition to abortion?

I have no idea. It’s hard to imagine how anyone could find anything wrong with that.

I think you’re mocking me.

I wouldn’t do that.

Despite your explanation of Christians, I’m still afraid of them and their Christiany ways and know they’re just waiting to judge me.

There is nothing to fear from Christians. They’re people, just like you and me, who are trying to center their lives around God instead of the ways of this world. Also– AHH! DON’T TURN AROUND! TIM TEBOW IS BEHIND YOU, AND HE’S SHAKING HIS HEAD IN DISGUST!

What? Where? I don’t see him!

It was a false alarm… this time.

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Frank J. Fleming is the author of Punch Your Inner Hippie, coming November 11th, and the science fiction novel Superego, coming later this year, writes columns for PJ Media and the New York Post, and blogs at IMAO.us, and if he were president, he'd never be seen on the golf course during international crises, because he'd be in the White House basement playing video games.
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