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America Needs Better Villains than Porn-Addicted Jihadists

Our previous enemies could have destroyed our country, but our current ones mean we have a longer wait to get to our terminals at the airport.

by
Frank J. Fleming

Bio

May 17, 2011 - 12:00 am

So they found a big stash of porn in Osama bin Laden’s compound. I thought the whole point of terrorism was supposed to be religious or something, but apparently the terrorists are like cafeteria Muslims — they don’t subscribe to the whole Islamic tenet of clean living and instead just adhere to the blowing-up-infidels part of the religion.

It seems one of the biggest goals of Islamic terrorists — besides pointless murder and mayhem — is to have absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. We have bleeding heart liberals who automatically side with America’s enemies, but the terrorists are dead set on giving even those people absolutely nothing to hold onto. You can search and search for the terrorists to have any redeeming qualities, and the best you’ll come up with is something like, “Well, one time they only kicked a puppy when they easily could have stomped it to death.”

They’re just pointless, useless enemies — far more one-dimensionally vile than anything you’d find in the most hackneyed fiction. And that’s a big problem for us.

America has been in a slump for a long time. We just can’t get our act together and be the shining city on the hill we used to be, and I think a big part of that is terrorists. Not terrorism; terrorists — in that they are our big enemy right now. The fact is, to achieve great heights, America needs a great villain to overcome, and as long as our big enemy is a bunch of primitive thugs servicing themselves in barren compounds, we’re going to be stuck in a rut.

Look at the villains from America’s past. We started out against the British — sophisticated enemies and one of the largest empires the world had ever known. Later we took on Nazis, who had a plan for dominating the world and making a super race. Then there were the Soviets with their misshapen ideas of social justice backed nuclear by weapons.

Our outcome against all these enemies was uncertain, and we had to be our best — better than our best — to overcome them. The British made us give birth to the greatest nation ever. The Nazis bid us to become a world superpower. The challenge of the Soviets forced us to achieve numerous technological advances and even land on the moon. But now we’ve been focused on terrorists for about a decade, and that threat has led us to create … the full-body scanner.

I don’t want to belittle the terrorist threat too much — I mean, they can hurt us. But then again, so can syphilis. But it’s not exactly something all of America has to work together to overcome while being better than we’ve ever been. Our previous enemies could have destroyed our country, but our current ones mean we have a longer wait to get to our terminals at the airport.

Yes, they have a plan of world domination, but does anyone really take it seriously? Do they even take it seriously? I mean, if they did somehow conquer the West — and it’s hard to even come up with a science fiction scenario in which that would be possible — where exactly would they get their porn from? The Taliban? They might eventually make some of their own porn, but then they’d stone to death all the women involved, which would make it a hard industry to keep going.

And after ten years, what was the new plan of Osama bin Laden, the great terrorist mastermind? Orchestrate another attack on U.S. soil to get America to leave the Middle East. Yeah, because 9/11 totally made America say to itself, “Let’s leave the Middle East alone.” Didn’t Osama pay even the slightest attention to the outcomes of his previous schemes, or was he just non-stop preening himself for new videos and watching pornos? He had all this time, and the plan never evolved past:

PHASE 1: Randomly blow stuff up.

PHASE 2: ???

PHASE 3: Islamic domination of the world.

And I think that’s because they don’t even really care about their stated end goals. I think all they really care about in life is porn. Look at how the 9/11 terrorists went drinking at strip clubs the night before the attacks. And their idea of heaven? Seventy-two virgins. They’re not really trying to take over the world — they’re just horny idiots who have no greater goal than wallowing in their base desires. And you just want to slap them and say, “Hey, dummies, you can do that in Vegas — no blowing yourself up required.”

Also, they’re schizophrenic horny idiots in that they’re willing to kill themselves to achieve their debauchery while at the same time they throw burkas on their own women and watch Western porn. They don’t even begin to make coherent sense. Even the Soviets, as horrible as they were, had some sort of philosophical message about social justice so they could attract dim-witted college kids to their cause. The best Islamic terrorists can get from the faux-intellectual class today is to be treated like violent little animals who don’t know any better — like how they blame the guy burning a Koran instead of the people who murder and riot over the Koran burning. So Islamic terrorists are horny idiots with no real plan who can occasionally get sympathy from gullible people in the same way one might pity a rabid squirrel. And that is America’s big external threat right now.

If Superman never had any threat to deal with other than muggers, wouldn’t he eventually just get bored and depressed? That’s where America is right now. For the longest time terrorism has been treated as our main enemy when it takes all of the terrorists’ effort to be more newsworthy than the latest celebrity gossip. They’re just so beneath us, and we’re never going to get out of the doldrums until we take on a real enemy. I don’t know who, though; maybe China and Russia could team together and form Chussia (Rina?) and try to take over the world. That would be scary; we’d stop worrying about high gas prices and rise to the occasion to end this real threat to the world. We’d be back to our best, because we’d have to be.

As for Islamic terrorists, they’d be back to their normal position as a persistent, annoying side threat that we’re already well familiar with how to handle: shoot ‘em in the head, chuck ‘em in the sea, confiscate their porn.

Frank J. Fleming is the author of books such as "Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything," wrote the short story "Who Murdered the Dinosaurs?" at Liberty Island, writes columns for PJ Media and the New York Post, blogs at IMAO.us, and is a scientist (prove he's not).
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