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America Needs Better Villains than Porn-Addicted Jihadists

Our previous enemies could have destroyed our country, but our current ones mean we have a longer wait to get to our terminals at the airport.

by
Frank J. Fleming

Bio

May 17, 2011 - 12:00 am
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Yes, they have a plan of world domination, but does anyone really take it seriously? Do they even take it seriously? I mean, if they did somehow conquer the West — and it’s hard to even come up with a science fiction scenario in which that would be possible — where exactly would they get their porn from? The Taliban? They might eventually make some of their own porn, but then they’d stone to death all the women involved, which would make it a hard industry to keep going.

And after ten years, what was the new plan of Osama bin Laden, the great terrorist mastermind? Orchestrate another attack on U.S. soil to get America to leave the Middle East. Yeah, because 9/11 totally made America say to itself, “Let’s leave the Middle East alone.” Didn’t Osama pay even the slightest attention to the outcomes of his previous schemes, or was he just non-stop preening himself for new videos and watching pornos? He had all this time, and the plan never evolved past:

PHASE 1: Randomly blow stuff up.

PHASE 2: ???

PHASE 3: Islamic domination of the world.

And I think that’s because they don’t even really care about their stated end goals. I think all they really care about in life is porn. Look at how the 9/11 terrorists went drinking at strip clubs the night before the attacks. And their idea of heaven? Seventy-two virgins. They’re not really trying to take over the world — they’re just horny idiots who have no greater goal than wallowing in their base desires. And you just want to slap them and say, “Hey, dummies, you can do that in Vegas — no blowing yourself up required.”

Also, they’re schizophrenic horny idiots in that they’re willing to kill themselves to achieve their debauchery while at the same time they throw burkas on their own women and watch Western porn. They don’t even begin to make coherent sense. Even the Soviets, as horrible as they were, had some sort of philosophical message about social justice so they could attract dim-witted college kids to their cause. The best Islamic terrorists can get from the faux-intellectual class today is to be treated like violent little animals who don’t know any better — like how they blame the guy burning a Koran instead of the people who murder and riot over the Koran burning. So Islamic terrorists are horny idiots with no real plan who can occasionally get sympathy from gullible people in the same way one might pity a rabid squirrel. And that is America’s big external threat right now.

If Superman never had any threat to deal with other than muggers, wouldn’t he eventually just get bored and depressed? That’s where America is right now. For the longest time terrorism has been treated as our main enemy when it takes all of the terrorists’ effort to be more newsworthy than the latest celebrity gossip. They’re just so beneath us, and we’re never going to get out of the doldrums until we take on a real enemy. I don’t know who, though; maybe China and Russia could team together and form Chussia (Rina?) and try to take over the world. That would be scary; we’d stop worrying about high gas prices and rise to the occasion to end this real threat to the world. We’d be back to our best, because we’d have to be.

As for Islamic terrorists, they’d be back to their normal position as a persistent, annoying side threat that we’re already well familiar with how to handle: shoot ‘em in the head, chuck ‘em in the sea, confiscate their porn.

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Frank J. Fleming is the author of books such as "Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything," wrote the short story "Who Murdered the Dinosaurs?" at Liberty Island, writes columns for PJ Media and the New York Post, blogs at IMAO.us, and is a scientist (prove he's not).
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