Al-Qaeda operatives: forget about that list of 22 crude anti-drone tactics discovered in an abandoned building in Mali. If those tactics had been genuinely useful, why did al-Qaeda leave there?
Granted, rubbing a mixture of mud and sugar on yourself and your vehicles could make you partially invisible to the next drone — but wouldn’t the wiser tactic be to become completely invisible to the entire U.S. government and mass media altogether?
All it takes is learning a few useful facts about the American political establishment: these 22 alternative tips will help you avoid detection, generally by encouraging Washington to either pretend you don’t even exist or to alter your public image until you become unrecognizable — even to yourself.
Alternative Tips for Avoiding U.S. Drone Strikes
- Join the church where Al Sharpton is a preacher. No one knows where it is.
- If you can’t find it, join the church Obama frequents.
- If you can’t find that: register as a Republican Senate candidate from New York, New Jersey, or California.
- Get a federal “green energy” loan, then declare bankruptcy. The U.S. government will cover for you.
- Proclaim you are a victim of black-on-black crime. The media will render you invisible.
- Come out as a black conservative. The media will render you unrecognizable.
- If you are a woman: confess that Bill Clinton or Ted Kennedy once propositioned you.
- Hide in the back of a Massachusetts senator’s submerged car. It will buy you at least a few hours.
- Become a member of Obama’s Job Council.
- Insert yourself in the next 2,000-page bill.
- Sell birth control in the vicinity of Sandra Fluke’s residence.
- “Hi, I’m Jon Huntsman.”
- Pretend you’re a salad; the first lady won’t spot you.
- Never walk in New York holding a 16oz Styrofoam soda cup.
- Never drink from a bottle of water in front of a camera. This will interest U.S. media 24/7 for days.
- Get in line at the DMV or another government office.
- Impersonate an American taxpayer.
- Hide in plain sight in Benghazi.
- Camp out at Obama’s shooting range; no one is ever there.
- Stay where Obama keeps his college transcripts, U.S. passport records, or financial records. You will never be disclosed.
- Set up in one of Chicago’s highest murder-rate zones. A truckload of fighters with RPGs will go undetected.
- Hold a sign, preferably bilingual, declaring a “Drone-Free Zone.”