It is melancholy to contemplate how the once loyal citizenry of our nation has become so infested by traitors. Indeed, I myself had not realized the extent of the corruption until this Monday last, the 29th of June, when the alarum bell was rung for all to hear by a source so impeccable, brilliant, perceptive, omniscient, and otherwise singular in merit as to eliminate all possibility of disputation.
This of course, was the column appearing that day in the Times of New York, penned under the byline of none other than His Excellency Herr Professor Paul von Krugman, Nobel laureate and intellect extraordinaire, in which he identified those who fail to support the cap and trade bill as traitors to the planet.
I must admit, as a mere scribe, I lack the wit to prove this case myself, but Professor von Krugman’s understanding transcends that of more ordinary humans, and so he must be right. It surely matters not that the matter under examination — the technique of weather control — is outside the area of study in which the professor has been accorded his prize. For if the world listens in awe to the pronouncements of beauty pageant victors upon philosophy, the affairs of nations, and other matters of general import, then why should Professor von Krugman not be granted equal credit for infallibility in all that he chooses to discourse upon? Certainly, given his celebrity otherwise, his indifferent performance in the swimsuit competition should not be held against him in this regard.
No, if Professor von Krugman concludes they are traitors, then traitors they must be, and not merely traitors to the crown, as were their predecessors in criminality, but traitors to the planet itself. Of course, the good professor is far too polite to specify the traitors’ portion, but the proper punishment is apparent. Death must be their sentence; for treason brooks no other. The gentle professor may be too kind to pronounce the verdict, but Justice herself cries out to us to do our duty. Without question or delay, the traitors must die.
But alas, are such measures truly sufficient to deal with the emergency? For certain we can and should quickly bring to the scaffold the 200-odd congressmen who openly betrayed the Earth by voting against the climate bill, but what of their hidden cohorts of planetary traitors spread throughout government at every level — state, county, village, and shire? How many acts of treason do these perform each and every day as they fail take action to save our planet from imminent, total, and utter destruction?
Treason by omission is equally heinous as treason by commission — perhaps worse, as it works its evil silently, cloaked from detection by a mask of apparent agreement with correct opinion. And it is these crypto-traitors surrounding us who threaten through their mendacious and perfidious inaction to sabotage all the efforts of our true leaders to coordinate the spirits of the good and loyal folk to submit to the sacrifice necessary for the salvation of the globe.
Yet the situation is not beyond hope. For I have divined a method that will strip the traitors of their disguises, make it impossible for any dissimulation to avail them in the slightest degree, so that in the face of the need for action, none will be able to continue to drag their feet in safety.
What is my method? It is simply this. That rather than measure loyalty by votes cast on bills or acts that are so interminable in their verbiage that no one can determine what they contain in any case, that the politicians and their henchmen be judged and sentenced based upon the climatic results they actually achieve. Those who meet their temperature quotas should be spared. Those who do not should be considered traitors, and dealt with accordingly.
Such a system need not be excessively rigid. For example, we would not (at least at first) set the same temperature standards for all regions. Rather, each state would be given a target temperature reasonably selected as well-suited for its location. For Florida, we might choose an average midsummer temperature of 85 degrees F, for Maine, 70 F, with finer-tuned temperature goals assigned to each county as well. Measurements could then be taken by well-trained and duly-authorized climate police located in stations within each district of every state.
Depending upon results achieved and scientifically measured, state and local officials could be rewarded or punished, with those incorrigibles who repeatedly deviate from the required performance by more than an acceptable margin being subject to the ultimate penalty. With many traitors thus weeded out, the executed officials could be replaced with many more loyal to the cause, while those others kept in their stations would be strongly encouraged to maintain or improve their performance. Then, with more appropriate leadership in position, increment by increment the weather standards could be minutely improved, until the world is cooled to exactly the degree desired.
The advantages of this system should be apparent; but to review, one must merely point out that it promises to be perfectly precise in its climatic outcome, impossible to deceive, and utterly fair in its method. Indeed, no lawyers need clutter the proposed climate courts, whose swift justice will be meted out in accord only with the objective and completely scientific determinations of the climate police.
In the face of the widespread treason exposed by Professor von Krugman, no lesser solution is adequate. I therefore humbly submit my plan to you, dear public, for your kind consideration, and I sincerely hope, rapid implementation, asking no recompense or remuneration for myself in return beyond that due naturally to a person largely responsible for the world’s salvation. There may be those among you who advise against the scheme’s adoption, but it should be evident that this can only be for the reason that they are traitors to the planet.