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A Few Good Scientists

You want the truth? You can't understand the truth!

by
Frank J. Fleming

Bio

December 4, 2009 - 12:00 am
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Let me tell you this: If it weren’t for scientists like me, you’d still be worshiping fire as an angry god. Every convenience in your life is thanks to us, so when we tell you something, you should just nod your head like you comprehend what we’re saying and shut up. And right now I am telling you those emails are unimportant.

Oh, that’s not good enough for you. You want us to explain them. You think you’re entitled to the truth.

You can’t understand the truth!

Son, we live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to have scientific equipment on them to gather data, and that data studied by men with computers. Who’s going to do it? A layman like you? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the global warming skeptics and curse the climatologists. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know — that the crushing of data contrary to global warming, while tragic, probably saved grant money. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to the layman, creates scientific consensus. You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk about on Twitter, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall studying those measurements you can’t even begin to comprehend.

We use phrases like “peer review,” “overwhelming consensus,” “settled science.” We use these phrases as the backbone to a life spent studying something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket made by synthetic fibers my science creates, then questions the manner in which I provide that science! I’d rather you just said, “You’re such a genius!” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a lab coat and crunch data. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!

Of course we hid dissenting data! We had to. So as not to confuse your simple minds from understanding the greater truth that man-made global warming is real! Now, excuse me; I have science to do.

There won’t be another Krypton on my watch.

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Frank J. Fleming is the author of Punch Your Inner Hippie, coming November 11th, and the science fiction novel Superego, coming later this year, blogs at IMAO.us, is a writer for the creative agency Emergent Order, and wants you to buy his book.
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