CPH Holder has determined that Stand Your Ground laws are extremely dangerous to people who for no fault of their own just happen to be making an attempt on your life. Therefore he would like to replace them with a new set of laws called Lie Down and Die. Under Lie Down and Die Laws, if you found yourself under violent attack by someone whose race or gender or sexual orientation had suffered from past prejudices, you would be required to apologize for that prejudice, make reparative payments and stand in the public square holding a cardboard sign confessing your privileged status before you would be allowed to fall to the earth and expire.

“If we had had Lie Down and Die laws at this nation’s very beginnings,” said CPH Holder, “we would never have committed the atrocities against the native Americans that led to the white man stealing their land and introducing such pollution-causing devices as the wheel and the internal combustion engine.”

By introducing Lie Down and Die Laws, the AG&CPH feels that we can put an end to incidents in which Hispanic neighborhood watchmen challenge suspicious looking teenagers and are beaten senseless before shooting their attacker.  At least, we’ll be able to put an end to that last part.