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Monthly Archives: May 2013

A Joke for my Anniversary

May 31st, 2013 - 7:45 am


Here’s one of my favorite political jokes in honor of my wedding anniversary:

Barack Obama, John Boehner and Harry Reid are traveling on Air Force One when the jet crashes and they are all killed. Barack Obama is immediately whisked off to a plain of eternal fire. Demons tear at him with pitchforks; hellhounds rip his flesh; flames engulf him. And a mighty voice from on high thunders: “BARACK OBAMA! THIS IS YOUR DOOM!”

John Boehner finds himself in an endless waste of ice. Ice devils scratch at him; hailstones pound him; freezing cold lashes his body. And a mighty voice from on high thunders: “JOHN BOEHNER! THIS IS YOUR DOOM!”

Harry Reid opens his eyes and finds himself in a spacious penthouse apartment in the clouds. The furnishings are lavish. Beautiful music plays on an amazing sound system. A crystal of single malt scotch is waiting for him on the stand near his plush armchair. The door opens and in walks Kate Upton in the sheerest possible negligee. And as the gorgeous super model moves slowly toward him, a mighty voice from on high thunders: “KATE UPTON…!”

I have been married 33 years. During that time, my wife and I have had one argument and a million laughs. Without sentimentality or exaggeration, I can honestly say it has been a romance out of a fairy tale. For me, it has been a gift from God and a taste of paradise.

For my wife? Well, I can only hope she doesn’t feel like Kate Upton in the joke!


Cross-posted at PJ Lifestyle.

Sorry to See Michele Bachmann Go

May 29th, 2013 - 11:04 am

Once, when I was attending a David Horowitz Freedom Center event — in Florida, I think it was — I wandered into a private meeting between Congresswoman Michele Bachmann and a handful of the center’s big donors. I can’t remember why they let me stay. I think I agreed to clean out the ashtrays or something. Anyway, it was fairly early in Obama’s first term and Michele was outlining her views on the economy and what she considered the proper Republican response to the onslaught of tried-and-false government solutions coming out of the administration.

The woman I heard speaking in that room was as sharp as any politician I’ve ever heard, and a lot sharper than most. Concise, realistic, clear-eyed, strategic — and with a grasp of economic realities that made the president look just plain stupid, which I don’t believe he is.

She was brave too. In the speech she had given at the event, she said, in effect, “Why should we be afraid of expressing our opinions? We’re the ones in the right!” I shouted out, “Sing it, sister!” Which is not like me. But how true is that? Let me help you: it’s very true. And she was as good as her word in the House.

Look, I won’t pretend I agree with her on every issue. I’m to the left of her socially — and certainly, where she sees a homosexual menace threatening the nation, I see gay colleagues, relatives and friends and wish them well.

But our dishonest media used her social opinions and a few meaningless gaffes to depict her as some sort of crazed extremist. She’s not. She’s a smart, tough lady with more sense in her head than any six Nancy Pelosis and more integrity, I suspect, than a dozen Harry Reids. I’m not sure why she’s decided not to run for another term, but I admire her and like her and I’m sorry to see her go.

[Cheers to Justin Folk of Madison McQueen, who did the great graphics on the video above.]

(Thumbnail on PJM homepage based on a modified image originally by Cheryl Casey / Shutterstock.com.)

The Left Can’t Handle the Truth

May 27th, 2013 - 6:05 am

When you go through a political sea change as I did — switching my political position over the course of the years from left to right — there are many little revelations that occur along the way. There are many moments you look back on, thinking, “That was an important clue. That was a step in the transition.”

One of those moments for me was the moment when I realized that the villains in my novels spoke the simple truth more often than my heroes did — that is, I had begun to use my nasty characters to say nasty things that I knew to be true but that sounded too harsh and mean to be spoken by nice people. I have since noticed that left-wing artists do this a lot — and that often the audience recognizes the truth when they hear it and so elevates the villain while completely forgetting the hero and his pious-sounding left-wing claptrap.

The best example I can think of comes from the talented leftist writer Aaron Sorkin’s play and movie  A Few Good Men. We all remember what the tough guy Colonel Nathan Jessup, played by Jack Nicholson in the film, screams at the self-righteous liberal lawyer Lieutenant Daniel Kaffee, played by Tom Cruise. We remember it because, while Sorkin makes Jessup act criminally, what Jessup says is exactly right. Harsh, but right.

“You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with guns…. I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom…. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives….You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall.

We use words like honor, code, loyalty…we use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something. You use ‘em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I’d rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!

It’s about time our artists allowed their heroes to speak such truths and left the puling self-righteous leftist nonsense to their villains. After all, that’s the way it is in real life.

Happy Memorial Day.

The Future Belongs to Steven Crowder

May 24th, 2013 - 4:35 pm
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“The future must not belong to those who slander the prophet Muhammed,” said our president fatuously, while pretending that a video tape made by Nakoula Basseley Nakoula had somehow contributed to the killing of four Americans in Benghazi. Nakoula remains in a federal prison for posting that video in violation of his parole on bank fraud charges.

In Britain, after Muslims beheaded a British soldier — a husband and father — in broad daylight on a London Street, the Daily Mail reports that a man has been arrested and charged for making anti-religious (presumably anti Islamic) remarks on Twitter.

“People should stop and think about what they say on social media before making statements as the consequences could be serious,” said the detective inspector on the case. Fatuously.

In Sweden, Muslims have been rioting, burning schools and cars, for nearly a week. Almost all news reports refer to these Islamic thugs merely as “youths,” and many are blaming the Swedes for “inequality.” Likewise fatuously.

In light of such Islamic violence — and in light of such fatuous, mealy-mouthed cowardice and appeasement in response — I think it only fair to post comedian Steven Crowder’s incredibly rude and equally hilarious smackdown between Jesus and (Not) Muhammed. Billy Hallowell over at The Blaze reports Crowder’s been receiving death threats over it. Let’s hope he stays safe and lives to laugh another day. The future, I very much hope, belongs to crazy clowns like him.

More: Will the Muslim Unrest in Sweden Spread to Other European Countries?


It’s odd. Finding God in middle age brought more joy and peace into my life than I ever thought to expect, and yet listening to people talk about religion and reading modern writers on the subject often leaves me cold, alienated. I don’t care how brilliantly they refute the atheists. I don’t care whom they think God wants me to sleep with, or how they believe I should say my prayers. When they tell me I cannot call myself a Christian unless I condemn what they condemn and despise whom they despise, it makes me faintly nauseous. And though I’ve read many sentences that begin “If you only knew your Bible, you would see…” I’ve never reached the end of any of them.

What good religious discourse does — what good religious writing does — what they do for me, at least — is reorient my spirit toward its lodestar, which is Christ. For some reason, this is less likely to be achieved through flashy logic and pompous denunciations than through humble seeking and painfully honest self-examination. Go figure.

At any rate, here’s a lovely little book of really good religious writing: Strange Gods, by Elizabeth Scalia, who is also known by her blogging name The Anchoress. For reasons I’ll explain, it is an excellent corrective to our ferocious historical moment.

I was first led to the Anchoress by — who else? — Instapundit, (Him By Whom All Good Things are Linked!). I was taken with the gracefulness of her prose and the graciousness of her outlook and often found them an antidote to the fever of political confrontation. It’s not that she doesn’t have her opinions, she just usually manages to remain open-hearted toward her opposition while expressing them. No common thing these days and no mean trick either.

In Strange Gods, subtitled “Unmasking the Idols in Everyday Life,” she examines a few of the infinite ways in which she and all the rest of us break the first commandment. She speaks personally and movingly about how an excess of attention to ego, ideas, ideology, coolness, sex — even the films made from Jane Austen novels! — can position these false idols between ourselves and the source of all goodness.

“Why do people allow their relationship with God to become disoriented? Sadly, the problem usually starts with love. The human heart craves attention and love — love is the common longing of our lives. We may search for a career, or wealth, or status, but the desire to be loved and valued is usually at the root of our strivings… Sometimes, discouraged or impatient in our search, we chase illusions…”

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New Trailer for “Haunting Melissa.”

May 19th, 2013 - 12:41 pm

Some of you have been following the news these last couple of weeks and thinking, “This is really scary.”

I’ll show you scary:

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Download the free app here.

A Good Start for “Haunting Melissa”

May 17th, 2013 - 12:09 pm

Haunting Melissa — the first-ever app movie — produced by Neal Edelstein and with a script by me — got a nice launch this week. The ghost story that pushes itself to your mobile i-device got coverage from ABC, Fox, Bloomberg and CNN, among dozens of other places. It was named Best App of the Day by the Best App of the Day namers. And has been climbing rapidly up the bestseller lists. There’s a cool teaser in the post below.

It’s a free download. Make sure to turn on the push notifications and to use a headset. And let me know what you think.

“Haunting Melissa” is Here

May 16th, 2013 - 7:15 am

The first ever app movie, Haunting Melissa, is now available, exclusively for iPhone and iPad – hit the link to download for free, or just visit the app store and search the title. It is a truly cool and innovative device that sends you installments of the ghost story over time with lots of surprises. It was conceived and directed by my friend Neal Edelstein and written by me. Please check it out. Here’s the trailer:

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CBS News anchorman and Ted Baxter lookalike Scott Pelley said recently of mainstream news: “Our house is on fire. … We’re getting the big stories wrong over and over again.”

Well, no wonder, if the stories out of Politico are true, and CBS News is actually trying to fire their reporter — and I do mean their one reporter — Sharyl Attkisson. Attkisson’s sin, according to the story, is reporting the news, specifically the news regarding the administration’s shameful behavior before, during and after the slaughter of four Americans by Islamic terrorists in Benghazi last year. The Daily Caller goes further and connects this dot to the fact that the president of CBS News has a brother in the White House.

Those of us with a humorous turn of mind can’t help thinking of the famous line from the film Dr. Strangelove: “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!” Only now it’s “You can’t report in here! This is the News Room!”

Well, get used to it, Mr. Pelley. As our mainstream news media is forced to stretch itself further and further to disguise the nature of reality from its audience, I guess we’re going to find out where and whether some inelastic measure of journalistic integrity snaps any of them back into place. An abortionist massacres babies bringing the nature of abortion into question — they can’t report that. Gun violence plummets while gun ownership soars, bringing the motivation of gun control into question — they can’t report that.  And this historic administration is proving itself historically bad for the nation, bringing its laughably under-qualified leader into question — and they certainly can’t report that.  So sooner or later Scott Pelley and his ilk are going to have to choose whether to tell some measure of the truth or just stare into the camera with a crazy-ass look in their eyes while murmuring another famous movie line — this one from Don’t  Say A Word (based on a book by yours truly): “I’ll never tell!”

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Breakfast With Ben Ghazi

May 10th, 2013 - 5:30 am

Comedian Steven Crowder and a mysterious stranger share table talk on the scandal that never was:

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