Citizen: I don’t want an electric car eith…
[The car bursts into flames.]
Citizen: Aaaaah! Now I’m on fire!
Obama: Well, here’s a light bulb.
[A spiral light bulb explodes pouring poison gas over the citizen.]
Citizen: [gags, burned, smoking] This is the worst investment ever!
[Obama grins and strikes a heroic pose with an angel chord.]
AK: But don’t worry! When Obama’s investments fail and he loses the money he took, there’s no problem. He just takes more money.
IRS Agents: [chasing a naked citizen] Pay your fair share of our crappy investments!
Naked Citizen: I don’t have any more money! Leave me alone! Help!
AK: In order for Bain to survive, however, his investments have to earn money by giving people what they actually want instead of what they’re supposed to want.
Various Citizens: Ooh, look. Staples! Pizza! Gizmos! A rock with a face! What do you want that for? I don’t know — I just want it.
AK: When Bain’s investments succeed they create new businesses, new jobs, and new wealth…
[Stores, businesses — an entire city — grow up behind Bain and his people.]
Bain: [happily] Baaaane!
AK: New wealth that Barack Obama can then… y’know, take.
IRS Agents: [Marauding through the city, setting fires, bringing buildings down.] Pay your fair share of our solar panels!
Fleeing Citizens: We don’t want your stinking panels!
AK: So there’s our story. Obama versus Bain. Two men enter the Investment Thunder Dome, but only one depends on free choices by free individuals… or what’s sometimes called the American Way.
[Obama strikes a heroic pose over a burning, demolished city. An American flag and fireworks go up behind the thriving city of Bain.]
AK: Wow… that was actually kind of a surprise ending.
I’m City Journal contributing editor Andrew Klavan for the Manhattan Institute.