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Klavan On The Culture

The Bain/Bane Video I Never Made

July 19th, 2012 - 2:29 pm

AK: In order to invest in America, Bain needs money.

Bain:  Monnneeey.

AK:  Bain gets his money from people who choose to give it to him because they want to make more money. Look — here comes one now.

Guy in Graduation Outfit: Hello. Can you please invest our college endowment fund so we can continue to teach students about the dangers of capitalism?

AK: Obama needs investment money too. So… he…. takes it.

[As Obama holds his heroic pose, IRS agents crash into a citizen's home, guns drawn.]

 IRS Agents: Give us your money!

 Citizen: Hey, that’s my money! Gimme back my money!

[Obama angel chord.]

Citizen:  Rotten thugs!

AK: Obama now uses the money he took to invest in things he thinks are good for you.

Obama:  Clean energy.  Electric Cars.  Solar Panels.  High-speed trains.

Various Citizens, looking up at him:  I don’t want those things. Can I have my money back please? I want to buy a new TV instead. I earned that money, it’s mine. Solar panels suck.

AK: Bain uses the money people chose to give him to invest in companies that make products and services he thinks people will choose to buy or use. These companies choose to take his money because they’re just starting up or are struggling due to poor management and high payrolls.

Various Company Guys crowding around Bain: I make pizzas. I provide office services. I invent gizmos. Look, I painted a face on a rock!  We can sell these things! People want them!

Bain: [giving them money] Baaaane.

AK: Bain helps run these businesses; sometimes he even takes them over. When necessary, he streamlines them and makes them more efficient which means firing people he doesn’t need or can’t afford.

Unemployed Guy: I am out of work. This would never have happened if I worked for the government.

AK: That’s right. Obama doesn’t have to worry about efficiency. He employs over two million people whether we need them or not and almost never fires anyone. He pays wages about twice as high as those in private business and delivers benefit packages that are so huge the government has to borrow more money than the entire country can produce just to pay for them. Isn’t that…  super? And wow…  look what you get.

Obama: [offering a citizen a piece of junk]  Here’s a solar panel.

Citizen: I told you I don’t want a solar panel.

[The panel falls over and shatters.]

Obama: Well, have an electric car.

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