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Exclusive: Obama Insider Reveals Secret Strategy to Beat Romney

April 30th, 2012 - 4:30 am

LISTER:  We’re on it. Even as we speak, we have hired an actor who looks like Congressman Ryan to pretend to push an old woman in a wheelchair off a cliff. I don’t see how the GOP can answer that, especially when you consider that Mitt Romney’s ancestors may have been bigamists.

KOC: Mitt Romney’s ancestors? Barack Obama’s father was a bigamist!

LISTER: I don’t think we should be talking about bigamy at a serious moment like this. Bigamy is just a distraction.

KOC: All right then, let’s talk about foreign policy…

LISTER: Obama killed Osama bin Laden.

KOC: Yes, that’s great but…

LISTER: It was a gutsy call.

KOC: Maybe so, but…

LISTER: Mitt Romney would never have done it. He would’ve let Osama escape to kill again.

KOC: Well, that’s absurd and actually kind of despicable.

LISTER: I never said it.

KOC: Look, what I’m trying to get at here is that, under President Obama, Iran continues to develop nuclear weapons, the Middle East seems to be increasingly under the rule of Islamists, we’re quietly losing the war in Afghanistan, and Iraq, a war President Bush actually had won, has been all but abandoned.

LISTER: All that may be true, but Rush Limbaugh called a woman a slut.

KOC: I beg your pardon?

LISTER: The Republicans are waging a war on women.

KOC: Republicans? Democrats have been calling women like Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann far worse things than slut for years!

LISTER: I don’t think we should be talking about women at a serious moment like this. Women are just a distraction.

KOC: Women are a distraction??

LISTER: I never said that.

KOC: You just said it right now.

LISTER: This was not a statement I personally heard while I was sitting here.

KOC: I can play back the tape.

LISTER: Look, just because some guy in the neighborhood says something, that doesn’t reflect on the president.

KOC: What guy in the neighborhood? It was you! Neil Lister.

LISTER: It’s a common name. I personally know three Neil Listers.

KOC: But this one was you!

LISTER: Here’s my point. This great country has always been committed to the fairness of everyone rising to the occasion of a vision of a future where college can bring justice to those who would look away from the seriousness of unfair and oppressive policies of the past that got us into this situation in the first place.

KOC: Sorry?

LISTER: Oh my God, your hair’s on fire!

KOC: My hair! Help! Quick, get me some water! Wait a minute, I don’t have any hair. Mr. Lister?  Where did he go?  He was here just a minute ago…

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